‘My Fair Wedding: Unveiled’ Recap – Bollywood BBQ Bride

Hey, my recaps are back!  I missed a week but I’m getting all caught up now, before I have to miss the season finale this weekend due to holiday happenings.  Curse you, WE TV, for moving this show to Saturdays! And then NOT rerunning it at all during the week!  Because next week’s episode looks AMAZING:

'My Fair Wedding: Unveiled' Recap - Bollywood BBQ Bride
{I love everything about this image}

But let’s stay on track – this post is all about Bollywood BBQs, y’all!  Git-r-done, Jai Ho!

Meet Amber and Patrick.

'My Fair Wedding: Unveiled' Recap - Bollywood BBQ Bride

  Patrick is a stuntman.

 He lights himself on fire and jumps into pools of water.

 The couple shows off their kids and the Tuteraettes melt.

The bride explains she wants a Bollywood wedding.  She feels a strong tie to India, like she lived there in a past life, or something.

'My Fair Wedding: Unveiled' Recap - Bollywood BBQ Bride

The groom is from Texas and wants an outdoor BBQ wedding.

The bride explains that she wanted to wear a sari, but her groom really wanted her to wear a traditional white bridal gown.  So she has her traditional gown but she complains she can’t do her Bollywood dances in the dress. Also, this living space has A LOT going on.

{The bride attempts to dance in a dress.  IT’S HARD.}

Everyone feels really bad for her.

The bride introduces her bridesmaids and says she told them to just pick out whatever dress they wanted to wear for the wedding.

 Then there’s this guy.

 Brian the groomsman is praying for a BBQ country wedding, with guns.  No, really.

 David tells everyone to figure out this wedding and then climbs aboard the Tuteramobile.

David “surprises” his couple at my least favorite place on the planet: The Saddle Ranch Chop House.

I have been to the Saddle Ranch Chop House three times.  The first time I went on a rowdy Friday night for a friend’s birthday and someone (not in our group) puked on me.  The second time I went for lunch with the same friend a few years later.  I was hesitant but I figured lunch would have less drunk dudes in tank tops and ten gallon hats.  I went and actually had a good time and enjoyed the food.  The third time was just a couple years ago, when Mr. BFT and I went with our friends to enjoy a nice dinner before seeing a show at the neighboring Gibson Amphitheater, except our waiter proceeded to trip and spill a huge side order of ranch dressing down the back of my head and my shirt.  Then instead of helping me, he ran away.  I had to clean my hair and wash my shirt in the ladies room.  The shirt, one of my favorites, never quite recovered and had to be trashed.  I hate the Saddle Ranch Chop House and I will never set foot inside it again.

Anywho, where was I ….

“I had, like, nooo idea David was going to be here, haha”

David talks to the groom about country weddings, and the bride about Indian weddings.  Brian butts in, like, every other word.

Then everyone rode the bull.  You can’t go to Saddle Ranch and not ride the bull.  Unless you’re me.  I have not ridden the bull because I have a little something I like to call “dignity.”

Next we meet up with David, Amber, and her two bridesmaids at an Indian clothing shop.

The bride is all, “Squeeeee  I wanna wear the pink sparkly sari at my wedding!”

'My Fair Wedding: Unveiled' Recap - Bollywood BBQ Bride

And David is all like, no, you’re the bride so you’ll be in a white dress.

The bride loves the bridesmaids outfits:

'My Fair Wedding: Unveiled' Recap - Bollywood BBQ Bride

While the girls are changing, David asks Amber about her dad.  Oh no, David!  It’s a trap!

Shot #1

Amber’s dad kinda stopped talking to her after she moved in with Patrick, which is super sad.

David gives some really great advice: If you don’t want to invite your dad to the wedding, then don’t.

“Fixed it!”

Next the bride tries on some dresses from David Tutera’s line.

This dress is sparkly.

This dress is plain and boring.

The bride waits for David to leave before announcing that she’s going to try on that pink sari, just for funsies.

But, oh no!  David “forgot his cell phone” and had to go back!  What crazy timing!

Sorry Amber, you’ve been Unveiled!

Thou shalt not disobey orders from the great and powerful David Tutera.

Next we see David visiting with his family in a giant trampoline room.

Look who’s back!  It’s JOE!

David’s niece kicks his butt at trampoline dodge ball.

During his visit with his family, David keeps getting calls from groomsman Brian.

“Don’t let my friends have any of that Indian stuff at their wedding, bro!”

“Mmmhm, thank you for this very important call.”
(Later, Joe tries to get on the trampoline.  It doesn’t go well.)

Joe is awesome. I am still lobbying for a Joe Tutera spin-off show.  I am thisclose to starting an online petition.

Next we see David and our couple trying some gourmet Indian food for the wedding.

Patrick says it’s okay but he wants his brisket.  David says brisket doesn’t go with the Indian theme but the couple doesn’t seem to care.

David has one more surprise for the couple today.  Since Amber thinks she lived in India in a past life, David has brought in a Past Life Regressionist to, um, read(?) the couple.

Amber is super excited.  SUPER excited.  All Patrick can do is make some funny faces.

Kyra can learn about your past lives by going into a self-hyponisis trance.  Isn’t that convenient?

Right away Amber blurts out, “I THINK I LIVED IN INDIA.”

“Sure, you lived in India once.”

This was one of the most awkward segments I’ve ever seen on MFW.  I would almost feel sorry for Kyra, if she wasn’t making her living off duping gullible people.

“Riiiiiiight.”

It’s wedding day!  Tuteraettes set up the Bollywood reception space ….

…. while David sweeps up the country western after party area.

 The bridal party arrives and sees what David picked for the bridesmaids.

The groom and his dudes also arrive and of course that guy needs to be the center of attention by wearing his cowboy hat.

David gets cornered and threatened.

 But I think he likes it.

The bride changes into her gown (it’s the beaded one).

David forgot to remind Amber to hold her bouquet low.  You’re slippin’, Tuts!

 Do I see …. groom tears?

You know what to do – down that bottle!  *hic*

 Let’s talk about how amazing this bracelet/ring combo is because the show never mentions it.  Ermergerd, I lerve ert.  And I’m not seeing it on the David Tutera Embellish website.  WHERE CAN I BUY THIS BRACELET, WE TV PRODUCERS?!?!?!??!?!?!?

More groom tears.

Smooches.

The officiant is super excited.

It’s reception reveal time.

I feel like I’ve seen this theme done on this show, like, half a dozen times.  Anyone else bored with Moroccan/Indian weddings?

David has another surprise for the bride….

 It’s the pink sari she wanted!  Awww, dreams do come true!

There’s those fab bracelets again.

If you have any booze left, here’s shot #2.

 Brian has some words for David.  He’s not pleased.

 Just kidding!  He’s happy for his friends and wants David to drink with him.

 And we all know David loves his booze.

BUT! David has one final surprise for everyone ….

  Country stuff!

Someone likes it.

Enjoy this very brief shot of what looks to be a very gorgeous cake.

Wat.
OKAY.  Another lackluster episode done.  Not only was there not really any drama in this wedding, but the wedding itself was super snoozeville.  The best part was the country after party that the show barely featured.  Also, why no cake love this season, MFW?  It’s really not fair to us bigtime cake fans.  WE WANT CAKE.  Also also, WE WANT MORE JOE.  Joe is the best.
I have no Faces of Joe this week so you’ll have to settle for these Faces of David: