"My Fair Wedding: Unveiled" Recap - Mermaid Bride

My Fair Wedding: Unveiled

Mermaid Bride

aka: The Episode Where We Found Out That David Really Hates Spider Mums.
aka: I mean, really hates them.

Woo boy. This episode. I don’t know if it was just because I was comparing it to the Burlesque Bride episode, where A LOT happened, but did anything really happen in this episode? Aside from the contrived “drama?” Yeah. I went there. Or maybe it’s because I watched it while coming down off a birthday/Disneyland high. But this episode was a major bore.

I’m going to get this recap started and try not to fall asleep from it.

My Fair Wedding: Unveiled - Mermaid Bride Recap

This is Joelle. She is a hair stylist and makeup artist. She likes mermaids. She has really long, flowing hair. I would make a Darryl Hannah reference but you are all too young to know what I’m talking about.

And this is John. He works in law enforcement. He likes the 1940s. He wears suspenders and says things like “Gee, that’s swell!” It’s slightly creepy, but do yo’ thang, dude.

They also own a tiny, fluffy dog, which is required by law in Los Angeles.

The dog poops.

It’s hilarious.

The groom also sings, and wishes to sing at their wedding. It’s, like, the only thing he wants.

Skeptical David is skeptical.

The bride shows off her current fashion which actually isn’t horrible. I would totally wear one of those pink gowns to Dapper Day at Disneyland.

The bride’s sister makes a joke about the dress and the room concurs.

“We take delight in your poor taste!”

David is all like, “Whatever, figure this shizz out, I got a private jet waiting for moi.”

Just texting on my private jet, no big.

David arrives in Los Angeles and “surprises” our couple in a ….

… doggy couture boutique? This might be why the terrorists hate us.

“WHAAAT??? OMG, WE’RE SOOOOO SURPRISED!”

The couple talks about their mermaid/forties theme, about how he wants to sing and how she takes hair pills to grow her hair longer like a mermaid, and then they drop a BIG bombshell. They are TOTALLY married already? LIKE, WOWWWW.

David asks if she’s knocked up. GEEZ, TUTS, did you leave your manners on the private jet? They said they didn’t want to wait to make it official so they eloped, but no one knows about it! Based on this, David jumps to the extreme conclusion that their marriage is based on LIES AND DECEPTION!

“I want YOU to never secretly elope and ruin everything.”

Next we see David talking with the groom and his groomsmen, and David realizes this 1940s thing the groom has going on is NO JOKE.

It’s all Newsies up in here.

David has gathered everyone here to listen to John sing.

… Tell us how you really feel, David.

As soon as the guys have left the room and are out of earshot …

David proceeds to whisper to his main Tuteraette …

“Those guys really like The Fourties.”

OMG, DAVID! SCANDALOUS! Good thing you created all that fake drama before you dropped that bomb on us.

Next we check in with the ladies for some cocktails.

“Cheers! I’m changing all your fashion.”

David sits Joelle down and is all, “Look, I don’t understand your mermaid thing and your dresses are all kinds of hideous.”

And this girl is all, “Yep, totally.” And does her best mermaid impression (I think).

Joelle feels betrayed by her friends …

(Betrayed face)

She likes mermaids just because, okay? LEAVE JOELLE ALONE.

Also, David admits he’s kind of drunk on champers. Drunk David = my favorite kind of David.

The bride agrees to see some new dresses.

Joelle likes the style but doesn’t like the color. Next!

Joelle likes the color (because this color is sooooooooooooooo different than the first dress) but doesn’t feel it’s vintage enough.

David has a brainstorm and then gets a little grabby.

OMG! So much better!

Congrats Alissa! You can now add “awkward-bridesmaid-gown-under-the-butt-holder” to your resume.

Next Joelle is told her gown is being changed and she’s super happy, despite talking about how much she loves her gown in her video. So, okay.

Aside from constraining the puppies a bit better, the gown looks pretty amazing. Of course it’s a gown from David’s new line with Mon Cheri.

Poor David can’t even handle his own genius.

Now David meets his couple at a restaurant to sample some 1940s style hors d’oeuvres.

OR SO THEY THINK.

David’s all, “Remember that time you LIED to your DAD about getting MARRIED???”

Tuts is watching you, judging you.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!

“Uh … muh … guh, I can’t even believe all the fake drama I’m creating right now.”

So Joelle confesses to dad that they are totally married already, and breaks down. (So take a shot!)

…

And dad’s like, IDGAF.

Whew! Thank goodness that manufactured conflict was peacefully resolved.

It’s the morning of the wedding! And our bride shows up with her special little poop machine, err, I mean, ring bearer.

OKAY, I admit this fashion is top-notch fabulous. No sarcasm here.

The bride likes it, too.

Everyone is also given some delicious mermaid inspired jewelry. How can I get my paws on this prettiness?

Can I also just say how great all these brides look WITHOUT make-up? Seriously ladies, stop wasting your time and money layering on the face goop. Y’all are naturally gorge!

Time for a quick check-in at the reception space.

We see a Tuteraette about to be swallowed whole by this pearl tsunami.

If you ever have to ask the question, “How many pearl strands is too many?” – This is the answer.

David reviews the centerpiece and has an issue.

With a spider mum. David talks about how his dad ran a funeral home (???? and also !!!!) and David thinks spider mums are “funeral flowers.” He then forces the blond Tuteraette to smell it and demands her to say it smells like a funeral.

And then he throws all the spider mums on the ground.

David really hates spider mums, you guys. With the kind of passion that most people generally reserve for someone like Hitler.

Meanwhile, the bride tries in vain to get her ring bearer to go potty before the ceremony, to avoid any unfortunate accidents. Because that’s how dogs work.

David pays the groom a visit and – surprise! – he’s going to let him sing!

The groom’s reaction is, I kid you not, “Hot dog!” *dies*

Oh! But you have to rehearse RIGHT NOW.

David is still not convinced because our groom sounds a little shaky. Maybe it’s because he’s on TV and, oh yeah, about to get married? Give the chap a break.

Anyway, it’s ceremony time.

A sacrificial bridesmaid is given the task of holding the poop monster.

Looks like they both made it down the aisle without incident.

More pearls.

And, OMG, more pearls.

This Downtown LA venue is dope.

But I could do without the chain link fence. Really?

After ceremony, the couple gets a look at their reception space.

Um …

…

“Oh snap bizzitch, I totally gave you MERMAIDS at your wedding! Because I am the TUTERA.”

They’re everywhere …

Mermaid centerpieces …

Mermaids on your menus ….

Mermaids on the dance floor …

Mermaids on the band …

DAVID, LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!

HOW DO YOU LIKE ALL YOUR MERMAIDS???? THIS IS WHAT YOU ASKED FOR.

And also, pearls. ALL THE PEARLS.

Dear guests, don’t look now, but these half naked women are going to watch you eat cake and do the Chicken Dance.

I have no idea what’s happening here.

Cake cutting. And, again, the cake looks amazing, too bad we didn’t get a good look at it.

“Aaaaaah”

David calls up the groom for his moment in the spotlight.

Oh, the tension! Will he sing goodly? Or not?

She loves it!

Tuts loves it! Take a bow, dear sir!

And go get you some!

THE END.

Whew, so what did you think of this episode? Here’s my two cents – This couple would have been a great candidate for any other season of My Fair Wedding. I’m not digging this new format if the conflict and drama is going to be forced or created out of nothing. And I know that some people are protesting that this couple didn’t “deserve” to be on the show because they are already married. Who cares?!? I believe there’s a huge difference in getting married and getting weddinged. There are lots of reasons a couple can choose to get married quickly – either religious reasons, or insurance reasons, or green card reasons, or whatever. That doesn’t mean they aren’t deserving of a big party whenever they are ready.

I also would have loved to have seen more of David’s ideas for this wedding. I admit I love the vintage mermaid logo and, naked performers aside, it was a great way to combine the two themes. Her fashion was also spot on and I’m happy David let her keep her vintage hat for the reception.

Okay, your turn. Please tell me your thoughts on this episode in the comments. After the season opener whirlwind, maybe this one just seems tame in comparison? I’m hoping the show picks up the “wow” factor a bit in the next episode. Until then, please enjoy this weeks Faces of David.

My Fair Wedding: Unveiled - Mermaid Bride Recap - Faces of David

Deuces.

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“My Fair Wedding: Unveiled” Recap – Mermaid Bride

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