Hello friends, and a happy Spring Equinox to you and yours! I hope everyone is having a fantastic week! It’s a little bit chilly here in Southern California, but it’s okay, because I have this to keep me warm:
The creep factor on this week’s episode of My Fair Wedding was off the charts, and I can’t wait to bring you all the nightmare-inducing goodness.
Here’s a little known fact about yours truly: I HATE CLOWNS. I hate clowns and masks and other scary things. So this episode was difficult for me. The things I do for you people.
(I had major connection probs for this episode, so a lot of my pictures are really fuzzy. I apologize on behalf of the monkeys who work at Time Warner Cable. I am considering doing sponsored posts for next season so I can buy the episode online and make my recaps a GAZILLION TIMES MOAR BETTER!)
This is Berda and Marc. Berda is in her late 20’s, but Marc is ageless. I wonder why he didn’t want to disclose his age? Maybe to avoid bloggers like me throwing around phrases like “May-December romance.” BUT WHOOPS, I just said it. Er, typed it.
But they are cute together and seem super in love, so good for them.
Berda has a special, um, quirk.
She gets really, really excited about stuff. More on this later.
Berda and Marc are planning an October Halloween themed wedding. Berda explains it’s their favorite holiday. Marc is fairly skeptical about Berta’s plans and is very expressive about it.
Marc is a screen grabber’s dream.
As they collect leaves and put them inside a plastic pumpkin, Berda acknowledges her vision needs a little help and hopes Tuts can rescue her.
When David shows up, Berda gets really excited, starts jumping up and down, and starts crying almost immediately.
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| Shot #1 |
Marc comes out to say “hi” and we learn something interesting.
David asks when the wedding date is, which in October. He asks when they started dating, and they reply in January. And became engaged in February. Which prompts David to do this:
Berda tries to explain that they have known each other for years. David asks if they know each other’s middle names, which they do, so for some reason their quickie engagement is now a-okay.
We go inside and take a look at all of Berda’s Halloween decor.
Not amused:
REALLY not amused:
Even Berda knows her ideas are not that great.
At least she’s on trend with all the tangerine.
“Pumpkins and skeletons, what every little girl dreams about for their wedding.” Hey Tuts, leave the sarcasm to ME!
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| Greatest screengrab in the history of screengrabs. |
Berda and David have a good laugh over her twin, er, I mean, skeleton. Seriously, our bride is very pretty but size 10 Mindy would like to force feed Berda a few bags of candy corn.
David basically tells Berda that her plans are a mess, which she already knows and produces some eye wetness.
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| Shot #2. |
Berda’s bridesmaids live out of State, so we go straight to seeing Berda in her dress.
As usual it is not what David was “expecting.”
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| Obligatory handsy David |
The bride shows David pictures of her Aunt and Sister in their bridesmaids dresses.
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| Auntie |
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| Sis |
David makes a comment that they are “black and simple.” Oh, David.
The couple doesn’t have a venue so there is no venue visit. (Duh.)
David tries to figure out what to do with our bride. She gets a little teary and says she just wants her wedding to be fun.
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| Shot #3. We will all be drunk by the first commercial break! |
The bride gets a hug and David goes on his way to figure out how to create a Halloween wedding that doesn’t look like it came from the party store.
After the break, we meet back up with Berda and David who are now in Marina del Rey.
David is surprising Berda with ….
A ROMANTIC GONDOLA RIDE!
With this guy.
(Not gonna lie, I have always ALWAYS wanted to do this. I can’t believe I live so close and have never sailed the Venice canals.)
David tells Berda that he struggled and struggled over her theme, and it finally came to him to do a Venetian Masquerade Ball.
The bride is all for it! It’s difficult to tell but her mouth is agape, as she is prone to do, as I alluded to at the beginning of this post.
There was also clapping …
and hugging ….
… before they began their intimate journey around the canals.
I kept waiting … and waiting … for her fiance to come out of the shadows and partake in this ROMANTIC gondola ride. But nope. Awkward.
While on the gondola, David proceeds to tell Berda all of his plans for her masquerade ball, including changing her location to the Vibiana, an old renovated church in Downtown L.A. This leads us to a new segment in my recaps called “Faces of This Bride.” Enjoy:
She likes it.
Dress #1
David wants her in a dress that’s grand and appropriate for a ball. The bride really likes it.
Dress #2
Even more drama. David asks the bride how she feels and she says if they are gonna go with the drama then they should go big. David asks if she’s sure and she offers the unbroken promise of the pinkie swear.
Dress #3
This is clearly her favorite.
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| Shot #4 |
The bride is overwhelmed by the sheer magnificence of this Mon Cheri by David Tutera masterpiece and needs a hug.
So which is the favorite?
Dress #3, duh.
Next David takes Berda to a dance studio, where one would think the bride is getting dance lessons, BUT NO! When they walk in, one of Berda’s bridesmaids is there waiting!
Which can only mean one thing – new bridesmaids dresses!
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| Now you can see why Berda and Jessie are friends. |
Dress #1
Everyone likes it but the bride is worried about her Aunt, who is one of the bridesmaids and happens to be in her 80s.
Dress #2
The bride feels like this one is kind of “matronly” but David thinks it would be a better fit for everyone.
Dress #3
The bride really likes this one.
Which one was the favorite?
Initially the bride prefers #3 but David reminds her that she PINKIE SWORE she would “go bold or go home,” and she finally concedes that dress #1 would be the most dramatic choice.
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| “I knew that pinkie swear thing would bite me in the rear later!” |
David dismisses Jessie and tells the bride he has one more surprise for her before they leave. Cue THIS GUY!
She is getting dance lessons after all! And the instructor is REALLY ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT IT.
But David refuses to be her dance partner. Cue, this guy.
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| Join the club. |
What you are witnessing now is the very reason why Mr. BFT put the kabosh on our My Fair Wedding application. Poor Marc is TERRIFIED and it shows. But, I love Marc, because if it wasn’t for his dancing, we would never have experienced the joy of this next series of pictures.
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| Not amused. |
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| Amused. |
Also amusing? At one point in the lesson the instructors said Marc could twirl Berda and then give her a kiss, and BOY DID HE EVER.
I’m sorry Marc, I really am. But thank you. Thank you for everything you have sacrificed for us.
By the end of the lesson, our boy had it down and David acknowledged Marc’s hard work.
OMG FINALLY, it’s wedding day!
Inside the beautiful Vibiana, David is introduced to the bridal party …
… a super unconventional bridal party!
Try not to die from shock but I’m going to be sincere for a moment. As a bride who has chosen not to have a bridal party, and who has gotten a lot of flack for my “non-traditional” choices, I APPLAUD anyone who doesn’t listen to the RULES and chooses their bridal party based on what they feel in their heart, verses what the WIC (Wedding Industrial Complex) thinks is best. ROCK ON, BERDA!
And, *I* nearly fell out of my Poang chair when David gave a little speech about how, regardless of age or gender, your bridal party should be comprised of the people closest to you. Yes! ROCK ON, TUTS!
Okay, back to overly critical, sarcastic Mindy.
David gets a little love from Auntie (who DOES look great for being in her 80s):
And David reveals the gown. It’s dress #3!
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| HUZZAH! |
At first I couldn’t tell if Auntie was stunned in a good way or a bad way. It was a good way. Whew!
Next David checks out the progress of the venue transformation.
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| “BEHOLD what my minions have created!” |
White chandeliers on giant shepherd hooks, I approve.
Gold Chiavari chairs, I always approve.
Meanwhile, the ladies are getting beea-uuu-tified by the girls from Fairytale Hair and Makeup.
It’s time to reveal the ‘maids dresses.
It’s dress #1. GO BOLD OR GO HOME.
So how is Auntie gonna look?
Uh, pretty darn good!
Berda comes out in dress #1
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| This? Adorbs. |
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| “My eyes are up here, Tuts.” |
Check out that updo by Fairytale Hair and Makeup.
The traditional passing of the bouquet accompanied by the “hold it nice and low” threat.
And it’s time to get things started! (Finally, it seems like this is taking forever, right?)
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| So srs. |
No trees in the aisle this time, but don’t worry, the guests’ view of the happy couple was semi-blocked by lace swagging.
DRINK UP! If this is your first MFW recap, we drink an entire bottle of your favorite liquor whenever the groom cries.
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| Tears. Drink. |
They jumped the broom and he stomped the glass, just to be sure we realize they are a diverse couple.
When the wedding is over and the room is turned over, David gives our couple a sneak peak at the reception decor.
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| Masks at every place setting. |
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| Does she like it ….? |
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| Yes, she does! |
Okay. Here’s where the reception gets creepy. CRAY CRAY, FULL BLOWN, TERRIFYINGLY CREEPY. I almost turned my iPad off, you guys. ALMOST.
It’s tough to tell through still images, but those are PEOPLE standing on the table, wearing creepyass masks, designed to give me nightmares.
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| Berda and Marc have just noticed the creepy masked people. Yes, Marc, it makes me want to puke, too. |
The one in the gold is reaching for me. REACHING FOR ME. MOMMMMYYYYY!
Oh dear Wedding gods, for the love of all that’s sacred and holy, make it stop!!!!
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| Shot #5. Even if she wasn’t crying, I would still be downing shots right now. |
Oh dear jebus, what’s this????
MASKED CHAMPAGNE SKIRT LADY.
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| GAHHHH! |
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| “Mmm, tastes like Mindy’s nightmares.” |
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| “Let’s get out of here before this creepy blue clown behind me murders us all.” |
The guests are let in and for some reason THEY LIKE ALL THIS.
The couple comes out and does their Waltz.
Nailed it!
The couple presents a little gift to David.
Glass cufflinks from Rome, or something.
Then we dance the Hora and eat some cake.
Confession time: I really want to do the Hora at our wedding, but neither of our families are Jewish so no one will know what do.
This cake got, like, two nanoseconds of screen time but it looks pretty fabulous.
Auntie and David seem like they are having a great time.
AHH! THE END.
What did we all think of this episode? Anyone else out there terrified of masks and clowns, or am I alone in this? I’m glad the bride enjoyed herself and she looked beautiful and happy. But if this were my wedding I would have hid in the bathroom the entire night. I look forward to reading your comments about my irrational fears.
As always, here are your Faces of David.
