(And Everyone Thought She Was the Unreasonable One)
So, I don’t know. If you all really like them and want to keep reading them, then I’ll keep doing them. (And I’m pretty sure that as soon as I stop recapping them, the show will get 1000x better. Murphy’s Law and all that.) If you’re out there, and you’re still enjoying the show and the recaps, leave me some comment love, so I know I’m not driving myself completely wonkers for nothing.
ANYWAY – Let’s get started.
Tutera and the Tuteraettes gather around the telly to watch a video from their next victims, er, couple.
This is Erika. She’s totally Mexican and she wants a Mexican themed wedding.
And this James. James is Samoan, which reminds me of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and now I’m distracted because suddenly I have the great urge to watch The Scorpion King with the sound off.
Erika and James are totally at odds with their wedding planning due to their super strong loyalty to their own heritages. She wants an all Mexican wedding, and James wants an all Samoan wedding. I already pity their children.
The bride wants a mariachi band to play as she walks down the aisle, which makes David do this:
Erika shows off her paper flowers ….
A disapproving glance is exchanged.
(For the record, I totally love your paper flowers, Erika. Come join us at DIYBride.com.)
Then Erika reveals her bridesmaids.
I was waiting for them to change into their gowns, but apparently these are their gowns. Erika explains she asked her bridesmaids to pick out their own dresses for the wedding. Oh. Alissa’s face says it all.
And then David’s face chimes in.
Then the bride tries on her gown, which is very ….
Yeah. See? This recap is going pretty well so far; I don’t even have to type anything!
Then Tutera turns to his ladiez and is all like, deal with this. I’m out.
Once in So Cal, David “surprises” his couple at a family picnic.
Seriously? If you’re going to pretend this is all a big surprise, please give your couples some acting classes. Otherwise, don’t play your audience like we’re fools. We know how television works.
Okay, anyway, David sits down with everyone and asks them about their wedding plans.
The Mother of the Groom steps forward and says she expects the bride (who is not her daughter and is not Samoan) to do the Samoan Money Dance at the wedding.
She came prepared with the traditional dress, just in case a wedding planner and TV crew just happened to stop by. *rolls eyes*
Oh wait, it gets better! Here’s the traditional headdress. Another item she carries with her everywhere she goes, I’m sure.
MOG really feels passionate about this dance. I mean, really. What should we drink when the future mother-in-law cries? A shot of a drink you don’t like? HAHAHAHAHAHA! (Disclaimer: My mother-in-law happens to be super awesome and this poorly constructed joke should not be taken as a reflection of how I feel about my own mother-in-law, just in case she’s reading this right now. *waves* Hi, Mom!)
David asks the bride’s parents what they want in the wedding, and they are just like, “We want a mariachi band.” Cool. These parents are chill. I like them. Which means, we’ll never hear from them again.
So David is all, Thanks for the tips, Imma talk with my couple alone now, peace out.”
When David gets them alone, he asks Erika how she really feels about the whole headdress thing, and she’s not a fan.
And then James is all like, I don’t want a mariachi band at the wedding and the bride flips out.
David gestures to where the stress level between the couple is at. Yeeesh.
Next David meets up with Erika and her bridesmaids to talk fashion.
David’s all, “By the way, y’all don’t match at all and you’re not wearing those dresses.”
So then he has them try on three new gowns.
David asks Erika which dress she likes the best, and she says the original black Mexican style dress.
Then David takes a little nap …
… and wakes up to suggest they go get a drink.
I like this new direction the show is going. Have I mentioned Drunk David is my favorite David?
Now that the bride is nice and relaxed, David breaks the news that he’s changing her gown.
She loves it!
After the break, David meets up with the main Tuteraette Alissa to discuss wedding decor.
David likes the large wooden pergolas and buys several of them. You can do that when you’re THE Tutera.
Alissa brought a Mexican serape blanket and David kind of makes fun of it.
So Alissa’s like, WTF, I brought it for the colors. And David’s like, Oh, okay.
Then David shows us how he throws together such fabulous events …
All it takes is a little luck.
Next we meet up with our couple at a dance studio. Oh man, they are REALLY pushing this dance on this poor girl, aren’t they?
Now the awkward headdress.
Then, all of a sudden, as if she was urged on by producers, our bride breaks down … (take a shot!) …
… and hides in the corner for a while.
David asks her what’s wrong.
The bride basically feels overwhelmed and knows the dance is important to her groom, but it’s not her “thing.” David basically has to school her and tells her she’s making it into a bigger deal than it actually is.
It’s wedding day! HUGS!
Surprise! You get teal bridesmaids dresses! I hope you’re okay with that!
These magenta shoes are fab, no joke.
And what bridesmaid is complete without some David Tutera Embellish jewelry.
It’s hair and makeup time, from the fabulous team at Fairytale Hair and Makeup (who also did my hair and makeup for my wedding, holla!)
But! The bride has a minor freak out because she doesn’t like the front of her hair.
She then turns on the innocent camera operator and tells them to turn it off …
… and takes a boob out, thinking this would keep this segment off TV. Honey, taking your boobs out is what gets you on TV.
Why is our bride suddenly acting this way? What’s in that cup?
Oh … Attack of the Champers.
We get our first glimpse of the venue.
MOG pays David a visit.
She asks about the dance. THE DANCE. Ugh, WE GET IT.
David’s all, look, you know she’s gonna do the dance but I have to pretend like she’s wild and unpredictable because that’s the premise of the new, revamped show, okay?
It’s ceremony time, way up in the Himalayas, apparently.
Did David really let the mother of the bride wear white? Isn’t that, like, a MAJOR faux pas?
The couple is taken to their reception area which is very …. Mexican.
The bride loves it.
The bride’s family gets their wish.
After the first dance, all of a sudden the MOG grabs the mic.
Everyone is stunned.
The MOG actually brings up some other chick to do the Samoan money dance, and all the guests start throwing money at her! I missed getting a screenshot of it because I was in the middle of the world’s longest eye roll.
So David tells Erika, you gotta do this dance.
Amazing! They had a custom made outfit at the ready the whole time.
Whoa guy. Keep it classy.
All’s well that ends well, I guess. This episode really confused me. Why was the dance such a big deal? Why did the MOG have another girl do the dance? Why did the groom have to take his shirt off? And perhaps the biggest question of all, WHY DID YOU CHANGE THE FORMAT OF THIS GREAT SHOW??????
Am I jaded? Maybe just exhausted? This episode makes the Mermaid Bride seem like the Burlesque Bride. Everything seems so fabricated and dramatic. I hate drama for drama’s sake. PLEASE! To all the WE TV execs reading my blog right now: Bring back the regular My Fair Wedding!
At least there was no shortage of great Faces (and Hand Gestures) of David this week. Please enjoy, and then leave me a comment with your thoughts on this episode.