“My Fair Wedding: Unveiled” Recap – Heaven on Earth Bride

Because, seriously.  If you’ve been following on Facebook, then you’ve already seen this image.

The image on the left is from this episode of MFW:U, and the image on the right is my wedding gown on my wedding day.

Dudes and Dudettes – Is this totally not MY DRESS design????  Was this dress design not blatantly stolen from me by the producers of My Fair Wedding?  I REST MY CASE.

Okay, so maybe not.  First of all, based on the time frame these episodes were filmed, there’s a very slim chance any images of my wedding gown had even surfaced on the internets.  Still, I like to think that perhaps I am important and big enough that the producers of the show wanted to throw a little jab at me by mocking my dress on cable television, because I’m soooo sure they one of the dozen or so people who read these recaps (*waves* – Hi guys and gals!).

I’m sure it’s just a big coincidence, but isn’t it slightly creepy?

Mmm kay.  Moving on.

This week’s episode is all about Melanie and Dominic.

They want a Heaven and Earth themed wedding (as opposed to Heaven ON Earth) because, as the bride tells us, not everyone gets into heaven, so they want to bring heaven to them.  Oooooookay.

The groom says that all he wants is to be able to wear a white tux, to go with the angelic heaven theme.  And also to represent heaven, the bride won’t have a flower girl, but a cotton ball girl, so she can walk on clouds.

Exactly.

She also wants to have wood flowers as the centerpieces (to represent the Earth part of Heaven and Earth) and guests can decorate them.

As you can imagine, David is not okay with this.  One of the Tuterettes comments that it would be appropriate for a bat mitzvah.

Next we see the bridesmaids gowns.  The bride thinks it’s angelic, but the bridesmaids aren’t having it.

Then the couple mentions that her mom wants her to wear her same wedding dress, and the bride doesn’t want to.

Soon we will learn that the show ONLY wants to bring the dress up, and nothing else.

David has a lot of thoughts, but he is pretty adamant that the groom is not allowed to wear a white tux, because it looks like the ice cream man.

David confesses –  He wore a white tux to prom.

And then he’s like, I’m out of here.

Now it’s that time of the show where David “surprises” his couple at a random location.  He actually makes a point to say he has “Alissa” find out where the bride and groom are going to be so he can surprise them.  Reeeeally.

Like last week, this couple actually seemed surprised …

… until we see they had the mom’s wedding gown with them. Ooooh, this show.  You make it so hard to love you.

David asks about the dress and the MOB waterworks start already!  Shot #1.

David conveniently has a suite at the hotel where they met at where he has a bunch of dresses waiting to be tried on.  My initial thought about this was, HOORAY, she’s going to try on several gowns, like the good old days!

First he has her put on mom’s gown to see how it looks.  Which is not good.

Mom likes it.

David is speechless.

He compared the dress to a bad cocktail waitress in Tahoe, which is VERY specific, if you ask me. Who hurt you in Tahoe, Tuts?  Did someone screw up your whiskey sour?

As Melanie is changing into one of David’s gowns, mom gets teary AGAIN talking about her daughter wearing her gown.  Sigh.  Shot #2.

Melanie comes out wearing one David’s gowns and of course she looks great.  Even mom says it’s very fitting on her.

Dress two looks even better. But of course mom says she likes her dress better which is clearly scripted because NO RATIONAL HUMAN BEING WOULD EVER THINK OR SAY THAT.

Then Alissa makes the mistake of asking mom if she would have been willing to wear her mother’s gown if her mother had wanted her to, and DUH, mom lays on the guilt pretty thick talking about how much she loves her dead mom.  Ugh.  Good going, Alissa.  Oh, and we’re up to shot #3.

Despite the plethora of gowns in the room, these are the only two we see her try on.  Sadness.

Next we see the bride and her bridesmaids at the wholesale flower market.  David has a project for them: pick out the types of flowers Melanie wants to have in her bouquet.

David notes that the first thing the bride goes for is the “penis flowers.”

He would know.

Then as they are assembling, David brings up the dress.

The bride points out that her sister eloped without telling anybody, just to avoid wearing her mom’s dress.

Somehow I doubt that story, but okay.  Then the bride tells David that she expects him to be the one to break it to her mom that she’s not wearing her dress.

Next we see our couple and David in a kitchen of some sort to try some “heavenly” food (see what I did there?).

This is meat and shrimp with spiced cotton candy on top and I want to put it in my mouth.  Everyone agreed it was delicious.

Next, David announces he has a day off and he’s getting a new tattoo.

Actually, he’s getting an old “tramp stamp” covered up.  Oh, David.

David talks about this cross design that he’s been working on for two years which is seven crosses all connected by rosary beads. That must be some tramp stamp.

Then my ALL-TIME favorite David makes an appearance, which is shirtless drunk David.

Then, while the cameras just happen to be there, David gets a call ….

She harps on the dress issue a bit, so David calls Alissa and tells her to get the dress and take it to a seamstress to be altered.

He then tells her that he’s tied up with a cute Italian guy behind him.  *OMG*  DAVID!  Well I never.

Next we see David with the seamstress Mercal trying to figure out what to do about the dress.

He invites the bride’s sisters for their opinion on altering the dress.

They don’t seem convinced but they don’t really have a choice.  What Tuts wants, Tuts gets!

It’s wedding day!  No wait, it’s Tattoo Show Off Day!

Alissa jokes, “Does that say Drew?”  And David admits he’s not sure because he wasn’t exactly … “SOBER?” Alissa chimes in.  HA!  Point goes to Alissa.  (The tattoo reads Dream.) Then Alissa remarks that seven words is a lot to remember.  Oh, sweetie.  I’m gonna have to take your point away.

Random lady in the background is likin’ the show.

The bride and her entourage shows up.

We see their new fashion, including the new bridesmaids dresses for the first time.  Blue for the sky/heaven, I’m guessing?  If only these things were discussed on the show still!

Everyone approves, or at least pretends to.

They also get new shows and Tutera Embellish jewelry.

Next we get a few glimpses of the reception space and, again, it starts to feel like those happier days in MFW history.

Then, at the OMG last minute, the altered mom gown shows up.

David takes a look …

 And makes a weird face.  Maybe it’s because he’s seen this dress before?

Maybe because it’s, oh, MY WEDDING DRESS??????????????

Since OBVIOUSLY it’s the most beautiful, amazing dress of all time, everyone has to like it, right?

Right???  What about you, Alissa old pal?

*GASP!*  Et tu, Tuts?  Just rip my beating heart out of my chest, why dontcha.  I think the tulle is the best part.  Oh well, haters gonna hate.

As David is prepping for the ceremony, MOB of course “surprises” David and asks him to see her dress.

David tells her the dress is here and it looks great, because he is a lying liar.

Then David takes MOB to the dressing room and shows her that Melanie will be wearing his dress.

MOB asks her daughter why she isn’t wearing her dress, and Melanie was like, Ummmmmmm ….

So then David finally tells MOB that he took her dress to be altered.

Look.  Everyone.  If you think that any of us believe for a hot minute that David, Mr. Wedding Party Planning Expert, would ever, ever, alter someone’s beloved wedding gown without them knowing about it, you have lost your freakin’ minds.  This is, by far, the fakest of all the fake “drama” of this season so far. Y’all are wearing out my quotations key on my laptop.  ENOUGH ALREADY.

Everyone is ready to go and get married!  Haaaay!

I had an iPad glitch so let’s just jump right to the end of the ceremony.

Luckily for all of us, I was able to capture these happy(?) tears, which I think is shot #4.

(Full disclosure: Right now I had an unfortunate typo and typed teats instead of tears, and for a few seconds I considered leaving it because it’s still fitting, but I changed it because I am not a vulgar person and would never point out a woman’s teats on my blog, except for the two times I did it just now.)

Oh, and David got them a gospel choir, which is badass.

And now it’s reception reveal time.

I’m not sure how I feel about the tackiness level of those lighted branches, but the bride seems to like it so I’ll allow it.

And then the bride said “Me and David outdid ourselves,” which might be, genuinely, the funniest thing I have ever heard a bride say on this show, no sarcasm.  She had me rollin’.  I want to be besties with this bride.

And then, as if an angel from heaven has been reading my blog, we get to see the cake!  Long enough for me to even take FOUR screenshots of it.

Sadly this is one of the ugliest, most uninspired cakes I have ever seen on this show.  I like all the individual cakes, but you put cotton candy clouds on them, really?  I could have thought of that, and I have next to no imagination.

Oh no!  Don’t cry, bestie!  I mean, the cakes are awesome!  Yeah, totally awesome.

Guests are let in and the happy couple is introduced for their first dance.

David points out that mom looks unhappy, so he tells the bride it is now time to change into her mom’s altered gown.

But wait a second … is that the same dress we saw before?

Is that dress really the same dress we saw on the hanger?  Because I think it looks COMPLETELY different.  I don’t know what to make of that.  Hmmmm ….

Regardless, Mom approves!

Melanie explains it all to her groom:

Then there were some confetti stars, which I LOVED and I now want a wedding do-over so I can also have confetti stars.

Best. Ending. Ever.

So, what did you think of this episode?  As far as this season goes, I didn’t think it was awesome.  For the second week in a row, we had a normal non-bitchy bride.  And the we got to see lots of the wedding decor.  So bonus points for that.

I’m not going to go on and on about the BS “drama” because I’m bored with talking about it.  You all know my opinion by now.

Here are your Faces of David for the week (and I included a couple animated gifs because I love you):